Back in Body Only

I was sick, again. Being sick is not a time of calm reflection for me. It is a time of severe guilt and taking stock of my many failings and/or weaknesses. I know I am not unique in this and usually I wade through these rare occurrences of colds etc. and get on with my life. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I am now entrenched in the Establishment, which includes closer communities of coworkers (wow, alliteration before noon), I am experiencing that settling-in period which, I guess, includes physically acclimatizing myself to being around colds and flus brought in by my office buddies. This settling in period has equaled a greater frequency in illness down time and hence this diatribe on sickness = guilt = unhappy thoughts = bumpy road to balance within new 9-5 lifestyle. I know in my heart of hearts that I am lucky, that my job is one of the good ones, but I never wanted this…regularity, uniformity, sameness. And because I am feeling particularly unmotivated right now (my normal state heightened by cold bouts) I am having a hard time being creative with the details of the specifics of my job – defining for my peace of mind that which is not regular, uniform or same about my job. This is probably why Jay and I have so much in common right now; that common glue which is job dissatisfaction.

Is it delusional to want to do what I do but in a foreign country, wearing anything but business casual, probably bombing around in a jeep, talking to people about their lives, HELPING in a very tangible and REAL way? Why do I feel like I am not allowed to be unhappy here?

Wah wah…I’ll feel better and complain less tomorrow.